Hmmm I’m well aware that this is a very common topic in the bloggers community, but it’s been quite a long time since I’ve wanted to write about this. Specially now that I’m going through a heartbreak even if the person is someone I barely know.
First, I’d like you to know that I’ve only considered myself as being in love twice in my life: when I was fourteen and the last year. Well, this is going to sound a little weird and unexpected, but now that I think about it, and that I’ve experienced the « last year » kind of love, I find it difficult to consider my first love as real love because, I don’t know, it just didn’t felt as strong as the second.
Nowadays, when I try and think about those relationships and the way they were and how they ended, I come to the conclusion that I’m an obsessive person and that it’s something that’s brought me lots of problems and most of them related to love! I know that at the moment you may not understand all of this very well but I’ll explain in general how those two relationships worked out.
The first one, what I call my First love, was when I was fourteen years old and fell for a skater boy (little bit weird, I admit) who was in my classroom. I was the one who confessed at first and, thank God, he felt the same way about me! To tell you the truth, it all happened pretty fast and we didn’t even know each other that well because we weren’t even friends beforehand. Anyhow, we lasted together four months in which, of course, we only kissed (the first kiss was ONE MONTH after we began dating, by the way) but it was enough time for our feelings to become incredibly strong: we were genuily in love. Actually, we were each other’s first love! It was all so sweet back then…
Now here’s the weird part: even though I came to love him a lot, I never got to feel the need to hold onto him. Hmmm, how can explain it? You see, in movies where the girl and the boy, who are in love with each other fight for each other, and even dream a life together and how inseparable they are? Well, I never felt that. I’m not saying that everyone must feel this way and that firsts loves are all the same, but normally when you’re dumb and young and in love you tend to imagine all sort of things with that person and fantasize about a futur together (that usually never happens), because you’re supposed to want that and to never even think about breaking up, right? Maybe this is an ideal built by the romantic movies I’ve watched and the many MANY novels I’ve read, but thinking back I believe that it wasn’t as strong as a feeling of love should be.
After we broke up, we continued fooling around for like five years, until we graduated from high school. That summer, was like he was now a complete stranger to me: there were no more feelings. You may say that for me to be hung up on him for that long, is because I actually loved him, but I can tell you I’m sure I was just used to the idea of him.
Truth be told, the second time I fell in love I actually felt all those silly things and I really saw the possibility of sharing my life and my future with that person. Of course, I’m twenty years old, so I’m older and the feelings are a lot more mature but it still amazes me how bad I fell for this person, and let me tell you that it’s not I even know him that much or that I’ve spent that much time with him because the truth is that, not long after we met I had to come back to my country so it’s been mostly a chat only kind of relationship.
I had already wrote about this person in a previous article and told you I would write a whole one telling you the story behind him, and I will (when I’m ready, I swear) so for now I won’t give you too many details.
Finally, after these two experiences, I can tell that I’ve been in the happy side of love, as much as I’ve been in the sad one. I cannot say that I regret something, because I don’t. I sincerily think that it’s all worth it. For me, when it’s felt in a responsible and rational way, love is the greatest feeling there is. I also think that there is a certain irracional and crazy part about it, but for me, this part is just about how crazily strong the feeling can get. I don’t believe that love is about giving up on things, even if it’s like that in some of the movies we watch, because I think that love is not about sacrificing but accomodating to each other’s lives and building one together.
I do believe that each person has a once in a lifetime kind of love, and that even though in some cases they don’t end up with the loved one, the feeling stays the same and can last forever, it’s just that the person learns to love another one. It’s sad, yes, and I don’t wish it on anyone, but it’s true that sometimes life just doesn’t work the way we want it to and I feel it’s safe to say that sometimes this once in a lifetime love is not your destined one.
Even though it’s the scariest feeling, I can’t imagine how empty a loveless life would feel, so from the bottom of my heart I encourage you to fall in love, and to fall again and, of course, may that love be your greates one and last forever.