I can’t live without you. Seems like you’ve become the center of my life and the reason I dream. It also seems like you’ve become the last thing I think about when I’m about to sleep, and the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lost thinking about you, but I know I’d feel even more lost trying not to.
I’m not used to being this cheesy, but I cannot fight this anymore. I don’t want to, and I don’t know how to. As of now, my heart and my brain are overflowing with feelings of love, confusion, regret and joy. The thing is, I’m writing this because I don’t have anymore space in me and I can’t keep having the same conversation with myself I’m which I talk about my dreams and the many possibilities I have, all including you, of course.
I’ve decided that it’s time for me to write about it in an honest way. I don’t care if it sounds cliché or if it sounds fake. I’m just going to tell you my side of the story as I see fit. Period.
One of my dreams, involves you coming to see me on Christmas time. In the dream, we get to enjoy two whole weeks together, spending time with one another and my family. In my dream we are deeply in love and we’re very very happy to get to spend this time of the year together, not only because it’s our favorite, but because it’s the second time we’ve seen each other after a bit more than two years.
The dream takes place on Christmas Eve day. We decide to go to the mall to buy everyone’s presents and to decide what to give to each other. The scenario is beautiful: there are Christmas lights and Christmas tales’ decorations everywhere in the mall, everyone seems ecstatic and, for some unknown reason, they’re all wearing winter clothes. The view is both romantic and cosy at the same time. We’re walking hand in hand through the crowd, marely stopping to buy something. Mostly is just the two of us walking side by side, talking and laughing. Suddenly, I see this very discrete but intriguing little shop on a corner and I decide to go in, discovering that, in reality, it’s a French lingerie shop. You’re waiting for me outside and you seem distracted, so I take my time and choose something that’ll fix your taste and that can perfectly give you and me the best Christmas present that I can imagine.
The scenario changes completely, and now we’re home, after twelve, just the two of us in my bedroom. The soft lights are barely enough for our eyes to be able to meet each other. We talk some more, we laugh a bit, but we know where this is going so we become serious a little bit too quickly. Even though I want to tell you that it’s been the best night of my life and I want to thank you for giving me you as a present, I choose to stay quiet and tell you with my eyes, my breath and my touch. We star to kiss, and I can finally feel like I’m all yours and that you’re all mine, even if it’s just for one night. I’m so nervous I can’t stop shivering, but your mouth lets me know that everything’s okay and that this is what I’ve been longing for for a long time.
We start to undress each other to finally make love like we’ve never done before.
My dream ends there, and even though you might be thinking that it was a wet dream where all came down to having sex, I can assure you that this has been one of the most intense dreams I’ve ever had involving purely loving and craving feelings. I’ve never felt this way towards anyone, and now I feel like I just can’t keep it in anymore. I want to see you. I want to have you beside me as soon as I can. I want to touch you for as long as I so desire. I want you to give yourself away as I’m willing to do so myself.
Then again, at the end of the day it’s just a dream and you’re just too far away and too indifferent to make all this possible. I can’t say I’m sorry for confessing because you can just see this as a desperate move of a desperate girl. Only time will show us the way. For now I’ll keep dreaming about being with you while being without you.
Special thanks to one of my favorite bands, U2, for allowing me to have at least one connexion through one of their best songs « With or Without you ».